darwin/bombay- epilogue

hey..
i am back after a long break....however with a promise to keep you updated on my life...
for this article....i will talk about the city in which i have spent the most fast paced 5 months of my life...
i had guessed it the day i missed my bombay train from chennai 5 months back....that made me take a flight later though....waste of money and desperation were the initial retorts that i got when i thought of coming to this city of dreams.
life began taking turns the minute i put my foot at the chatrapati shivaji international airport. life revolved 360 degrees and i got i migraine attack. cant blame the pollution for that neither the screams...south india was worse in this regard. anyways, after an way expensive auto ride, it took me one hour to reach andheri as the auto driver, another (bihari) follower of Darwinism, survived his way and proved his tri-motor cycle to be the fittest..and after intense abuses and tantrums to the fellow travelers, we reached Neelkanth apartments,Saha road, andheri (W). in the absence of my friend, i found it amazing to pounce over his bed and sleep for 3 whole hours. i was enjoying every drop of rain falling down and really felt mumbai's monsoons washing off all my blues. i had a week's time for my college to begin, but what had begun already was my penance..! what followed were not only hurting but shocking as well...a break up, my visit back to vellore for the same, an amazing break up, a great break up party and a month long of phone calls ! college was taking turns, loops and whirlpools, but the road was never straight. managed to speak out my heart to few people out here and honestly had the realization that "we tend to find ourselves no matter wherever we go.."

i am still here. but for now, all i can say in this journey of a roller coster, i am losing myself, i am losing the skin of vellore, the heart of bhubaneswar and the nature of sourav. i am changing with days come and paths turn. i will pen down later when i have enough patience to put down my thoughts on paper.

--stay put.

How do you decide what?

As I said, I am the guy who likes to live in his dreams, when it comes to reality, everything just starts changing shapes. It begins with a mere vocal transition from an ever helping face to a mere formal gesture. When everything comes to ground zero, you are naked right. You weren’t born with egos, your temperament, your gestures etc. all and everything in your bag today are what you stole or in rare cases earned! Then why everyone does pretend and show off that nothing really matters.
I met her, she decided that we are not going to land up in a long time relationship and thus we broke up. As a matter of fact, we celebrated our parting! As if we always wanted to repel away from each others force field. Now as you would interpret this, my mindset is not a result of this composite split. It is just normal. How normal was it for me to fall in love with her it’s just the opposite to really get over her. I don’t need time to think that I can get over her gradually; the fact is I just cannot do it. It’s something that’s so into me. I cannot really stop loving her. I don’t really know what she might do. Perhaps she is not a round hole in a square peg like I am. And she does not really think the way I do. Might be, she does. But she never expresses it. It takes a lot of coaxing and a hell lot of pushing and drenching to squeeze out the emotions out of her. She has issues too. I need to understand her. Like I cannot stop loving her, she needs to stop loving me. That’s what she knows she needs to do. She does not take any swearing nor does her act needs any justification. She just needs to stop loving me. That’s it. We got a break up in a way that we always wanted to. We have never regretted in anything and so we shouldn’t be doing that now. That was our mantra. We followed it through out. For me, I was bound to suffer as I lived in my dreams. I had her, but in my dreams. I used to kiss her, play with her cheeks, sway her hair but everything in my dreams. When it came to reality, I could hardly hold her in public, ‘cause she found it cheap.
I might be really frustrated now, might have crossed all limits of cribbing. But that’s how I see it. My life is so empty without her. And I am afraid of emptiness. I better move on. I better start walking. I better not just sit on the pavement and repent. But the whole controversy lies exactly at this part. I cannot do that. If I pretend to be happy and walk ahead, she would be so happy for me outside. But at the inside, she would be burning.

*** to be contd..

starts with an end

hello people. will introduce myself as the guy who likes living in his dreams. who adores dreams more than the cruel reality. how much i think it is all a dream. does that make me an escapist. is it bad being an escapist? aren't we all an escapist. better that am not a hypocrite like the rest.

i have never thought of blogging seriously. but this idea kept on haunting me. and now that a lot has happened in my life, i feel to tell the world how i feel bearing its stink, though once in a while it made me experience its fragrance. i will tell it all.

as i sit here in front of the glaring screen of my friend's computer and type down my first ever blog, deep inside my skin i feel so empty. i have had my first break up in a way that i always dreamt of, i have fallen in love with my "ex", i am going to start a new life at a new city tomorrow and i am missing my convocation.

all i wonder the reason behind this lonliness. has it all ended before it started.

i hate thinking. i love pondering!